Thoughts about Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR)
Hug your trans friends today (with consent, of course). Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance — a day that holds grief, love, and reflection for many in our communities.
TDoR is an especially difficult day for those who observe it. You do not have to be trans to feel the weight of the lives lost to anti-trans violence, discrimination, and suicide. The loss ripples outward into families, friendships, and communities. It is hard to navigate a world that refuses to see you for who you are, or insists on defining you by something that doesn’t reflect your inner truth. What makes people so fearful of another person’s authenticity is still a question that haunts days like this.
Recently, after spending two weeks surrounded by my friends, my son said to me, “I know what kind of friend I want to be and what kind of friends I want in my life, because of your friends. They are so supportive of each other and me.” He sees it clearly, this 18 year old cisgendered young man: the kindness, the care, the way we show up for one another. How we are each other’s biggest fans. How we refuse to compete at each other’s expense.
These kinships didn’t form by accident. Many built these chosen families out of safety, survival, and the need to be understood. But the truth we must name today is that not everyone gets the chance to find that kind of community. Some people don’t make it. Some never get the safety, affirmation, or love that allows us to thrive. Some of our people are taken before they ever experience being fully celebrated.
Transgender Day of Remembrance, observed annually on November 20, honors the memory of those whose lives were lost to anti-transgender violence. Today, be extra gentle with the trans people in your life. Extend care, protection, and love — not just today, but every day.
If you are struggling today or any day, you are not alone.
Trans Lifeline (a trans-led organization offering peer support, community, and resources): 1-877-330-6366
About the author:
Sarah Couture McPhail is a community arts facilitator, social justice organizer and parent who works at Lilac Place as a program facilitator. They do not consider themselves transgender, they prefer to navigate the world as a non-binary person who receives a lot of gender privilege by “looking” female.
Poster by Sarah Couture McPhail